Half My Heart
by Karenina
Summary: Doug and Carol, from the very painful beginning.
1. Chapter I

**:A/N:** This is my second ER fic, and I have already twice attempted to write this one but I had failed. I hope this time you will like it.

**:Disclaimer:** ER does not belong to me. I am not a native speaker, so please point out any mistakes you see. I am looking for a beta-reader.

**:Summary:** Doug and Carol, from the very painful beginning.

**: Half My Heart :**

**: Chapter I :**

_I knew from the very beginning of our relationship that it would be different. It seemed as if I would always breathe this air of problems that surrounded him, but unfortunately, I could not let go of him. He was too charming and resistance was impossible._

_This knowledge was painful. But his smile and his touch when he hugged me was worth it – even though he didn't feel the way I did._

_We got to know each other on a rainy day in a med library. I was just looking something up for my studies – college was not as easy as it had seemed at the beginning – and he had caught my attention._

_But from the way he smiled at me I could tell that I meant close to nothing to him. The thought that I could mean something to him someday, after a long, long time made me shiver every night I tried to fall asleep from that day on. I was constantly hoping things would change, that he would suddenly see me differently. He didn't._

_He kep on going out with his girlfriend – or should I rather put it, with his girlfriends? Every weekend, it was somebody else he told me about, and I began to understand that he was not someboy who settled down easily. Or at all._

_He'd rather die._

"_Carol," he said once, "you are my friend, aren't you?"_

_That sentence hurt me deeply, but I turned to him and smiled, replying, "Yes, I am. What is it?"_

"_Could I stay tonight? I can't go back to my flat because my bud is having a party. He doesn't want me there, I would take his girls away. Please."_

_Oh, had I said no! Had I only said no!_

_But I didn't._

"_Yes, sure… my flatmate won't mind."_

_Somehow, that night he reassured me that we were friends and that it would be fine for us to sleep in one bed. So we did. And I couldn't sleep the whole night._

_Friends…_

_What did that mean, anyway? I did not need him to be my friend… but he had repeated that phase so often that someday, I took it the way it was. Although it was painful, I stepped out of my emotional chaos and closed my eyes to my feelings._

_Alas, that night it was impossible. I lay awake until the early morning hours, listening to his breathing, watching him sleep. _

_God knows he was asleep, but I couldn't breathe for some moments when he had moved and put his hand on my stomach… he would under no circumstances do that willingly, for we were friends… 'He is asleep, you idiot, and it means nothing at all…' I began to cry, one tear running down my cheek after the other, hoping the night would never end._

_But it did._


	2. Chapter 2

**: Half My Heart :**

**: Chapter II :**

"Carol, come on, what are you waiting for? There's nothing to see on TV, let's go." He stood in the doorway, his face a single questionmark. "Oh please, you cannot be serious about this show," he gritted through his teeth, frowning.

"I am, Doug," Carol replied, still staring at the screen. "You simply don't understand what it truly is about. These are couples who are angry with each other, and this Stephen Whoever brings them back together! I already told you, I don't want to go to this party."

She had never wanted to go somewhere with him, for she knew there would be other women involved. Doug was one of those men who could easily have any woman, at any time of the day, and especially at any place of the earth. He could as well be in Timbuktu, but he wouldn't be single. What made it even more painful for Carol was that he _was_ single, searching for 'the right woman' all the time, pointing at random women on the street, asking her, "What do you think about her? And her?"

Carol would always, always reply, "That's none of my business," and look somewhere else. How could it possibly be that he didn't see her? Simply didn't see her?

"You promised me you'd go." He was kneeling beside her, his beautiful eyes looking into hers. "You promised."

Yes, she had promised. But it had been a moment like that. He had been looking at her this way, no, not looking, but begging with his eyes, and she couldn't resist it. She couldn't fight it, under no circumstances. "Fine." She switched off the TV and got her jacket. It would be another painful day in their 'friends'-relationship.

As they got out of the dorm, he put an arm around her, and as usual, a painful subject came up. "Carol, tell me, will I find her today?"

'Is he doing this deliberatey?', Carol wondered as she stared at her feet while walking on. 'How can he be so stupid? I thought he went to med school?'

"Carol," he said firvently, "Carol! Tell me!" He stopped walking and turned towards her. His face was so close to hers, she could feel his breath on her skin… she could just lean in, and kiss him, and taste him, and not let him go… make it all clear by just one action, … show him how much he meant to her…

Suddenly, he briskly pulled away. Carol realised she had closed her eyes, oh God, had he… realised what she was thinking? Doug looked at her, obviously he was disturbed by what had happened.

The atrocity of that moment could barely be put into words. There they stood, breathing heavily, staring at each other. Carol pleaded destiny to help her, she almost screamed from inside, "Please don't know! Please don't!"

Then, she decided to say something. "Do you … condemn me?"

"No," he said, but he was still frowning.


End file.
